The Ken-Barbie Osculation
by QxSess15
Summary: Sheldon and Penny's prank war from the Panty Piñata Polarization takes a decidedly interesting turn. This one shot is AR/AU/OOC so if you do not like to deviate from canon pairings, do us all a favor and stick to your ship.


**The Ken-Barbie Osculation **

* * *

><p>Sheldon was confused.<p>

There he stood in the middle of the laundry room with a basket of his dirty laundry in hand but his brilliant mind could not process this new and unexpected variable.

All the washing machines were in use.

It didn't make sense. When he first moved into the building, he spent weeks upon weeks experimenting with days of the week and times of day just to find the perfect time to do his laundry in peace. He required exclusive use of the laundry room for the space of one hour and thirty minutes without having to deal with things like human contact and inane chatter (Also, being around other people's dirty laundry is gross). But now, ALL the machines were taken.

Sheldon couldn't help but wonder if he failed to notice new tenants that may have moved into the building? He made a mental note to figure out who they were and make sure they knew the laundry room rules.

Sheldon was so involved in his thoughts that he didn't take note the flapping of her flip-flops.

"Oh, no, are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do?" cried Penny facetiously. The muscles in Sheldon's back tightened dangerously. Had he been born a jungle cat, Penny would have been in _real_ trouble. He turned to glare at her and her smug look succeeded in irritating him further.

_Penny must NOT win._

"No problem, I'll just do my laundry another night," he retorted hoping he sounded just as flippant.

"Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night." Her sickly-sweet, matter-of-fact tone amped his irritation into the realm of anger. The feeling was so overwhelming he could barely see straight.

_Penny should pay._

"Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken."

"Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie," Penny returned with an attitude and a confidence he did not like. He was definitely going to make her pay.

As the saying goes, tit for tat.

_Penny WILL pay._

* * *

><p>Smiling to herself, Penny sauntered into the laundry room slightly swinging her laundry basket at her side. She momentarily paused just past the threshold to bask in the Sheldon-stumping triumph from an hour before.<p>

…_Your ken can kiss my Barbie!_

She let out a soft chuckle. That was a stroke of genius.

She placed her empty laundry basket on the middle washer as she lifted the lid of the left washer.

Never in a million years did she think that engaging in a prank war with Dr. That's-my-spot Whack-a-doodle would be so satisfyingly easy to win.

Penny looked in to an empty washer…and then another, then another.

Her blood pressure spiked at an alarming rate and she saw red.

"SHELDON!"

Glittery pink flip-flops stormed nine flights from the laundry room to apartment 4A. Penny barely felt winded as she rounded on his door.

_BANG, BANG, BANG_ "SHELDON!"

_BANG, BANG, BANG_ "SHELDON!"

_BANG, BANG, BANG_ "SHELDON!"

"Yes?" drawled Sheldon as he opened the door.

"Where are my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" he asked as if he had no idea what she was going on about.

"Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone_._" she stressed the last word while giving him a look that silently blamed him.

"Really? Despite the sign that says 'Do not leave laundry unattended'?"

"Sheldon, where are my clothes?"

"You know," he opened the door wider to allow Penny in. "I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that?" He paused as if needing a moment to recall.

"Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye." He commented as he 'helpfully' led Penny to the window. "Do those look familiar?" Penny rose slightly on her toes and peered out the window.

"How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?" Shock, awe and distress colored her voice.

"When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible." He gazed down at her with half-lidded eyes and a barely suppressed smirk. "And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!"

"Get them down."

"Apologize."

"Never."

"Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty piñata."

Penny stood there with fury coursing through her veins. It made her fingers itch to wrap around Sheldon's scrawny throat and _squeeze_ until his egg head burst like a zit. She enjoyed that image for a moment before she realized that even if she could do that, Sheldon would never learn his lesson. Plus, she would have to go commando for a few weeks before she could afford to buy new underwear. Penny knew that she needed to diffuse this situation before it got too out of hand. Sheldon mistook her silence for defeat and couldn't pass up the opportunity to gloat.

"Woman, I _warned_ you. You're playing with forces beyond your ken."

Penny didn't like how his superior tone stirred exasperation and an odd unnamed emotion that simmered in the pit of her stomach. So she did what she normally did when she suspected someone was trying to intimidate her into submission—Penny stepped into Sheldon's very personal space.

"What makes you think your ken could even _kiss_ my Barbie?" she retorted venomously.

Her dangerous tone riled something strange and primal in him. Before he could really curb his instinct, he moved his face closer so they were almost nose to nose.

"I already have and _will_ continue to do so until you _apologize_." Sheldon whispered the last word. His warm breath ghosted over her lips and chin as if to coax her into compliance. They stared at each other for long moments each silently willing the other to back down. The close proximity made Penny tilt her head to gain a few millimeters of space. Sheldon believed this shift to be the precursor to his victory and licked his lips in anticipation.

Her fierce green eyes locked with his cobalt blues and, all at once, something shocking happened.

The few millimeters of gained distance somehow altered their perception of each other. In the space of a blink, whatever that repelling force was that started this feud somehow shifted on its axis and drew their faces together.

Lips met.

When they parted, however, their pivoting paradigm rung loudly in their ears and shook them to the core. Not unlike getting stuck up in a church bell tower at noon.

With utter shock on their faces, they quickly stepped away from each other as though they'd been physically scalded by the act and stared at each other wordlessly.

Sheldon's supercomputer of a mind was awhirl with new equations. He took this new awareness of Penny and tabulated it with the data he already possessed in his mental Penny File. Sheldon factored in this new, and very real, experience with Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity and calculated how it affected his routines in the days and weeks to come with record speed.

He distantly noted the sound of his apartment door opening as the scientific method pulsed in and out of his thoughts changing and rearranging the all conceivable possibilities with this new variable, knowing that a decision _must_ be made.

Leonard walked into the apartment.

"Hey, you guys are talking again. Good." He was smiling until he belatedly noted the tension in the room. "What happened?" he asked, reluctant to hear what he expected to be an asinine answer.

"Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it's junior rodeo on." Penny said taking the opportunity to flee the wreckage of a lesson in humility which took an unexpected turn. She stomped out of the boys' apartment in favor of the safety of her own.

"Oh, not junior rodeo." he half whined. He watched her leave his apartment with an enamored look on his face until she slammed her door. Then he turned to his lanky roommate with an accusatory 'What did you do?'

"I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night," stated Sheldon as he pointed to the window. Leonard moved to see what his roommate was pointing to.

"Ohh!" he said as he caught sight of Penny's unmentionables.

At the dismayed look on Leonard's face, Sheldon walked out of his apartment and made his way to Penny's door.

Sheldon made a decision.

* * *

><p>Penny was leaning against her door in the privacy of her apartment. Her heart was beating fast and she had an uncomfortable knot in her belly that, frankly, scared her. She couldn't believe how turned on she got from arguing and one little kiss… with <em>Sheldon<em>.

It all happened so fast. She couldn't wrap her mind around how a tiny press of lips could leave her feeling so exhilarated. She knew she needed to avoid Sheldon for a few days until she could figure out how to handle this new development.

_Knock, knock, knock_ "Penny."

_Knock, knock, knock_ "Penny."

_Knock, knock, knock_ "Penny."

Penny's heart jumped in her throat and her stomach dropped.

_So much for that idea_, she thought as she turned to open the door.

Sheldon barged into her apartment.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that you never leave a room when you owe someone an apology?"

Penny's spine stiffened with anger and she pushed the door closed harder than what she meant to. She turned briskly to set him straight.

"For the last ti-," Sheldon moved closer to her and kissed her mid-sentence.

Whatever she was about to say abruptly fell out of her brain. They stood there for a few moments connected only by their kiss before Sheldon moved his arms to pull her closer. Penny just stood there in the circle of his arms not knowing what to do. Another moment later the tip of Sheldon's tongue nudged her bottom lip and she let him in on instinct. His tongue carefully sought hers and after that first tentative touch, Penny finally knew what she wanted to do.

Her arms encircled his waist and, big ol' five that she was, made sure her chest was tightly pressed against his.

The pleasure of being pressed from lips to knees with Penny rocked through him so violently that he stumbled back a little until he felt Penny's couch bump the back of his leg.

Penny moved her arms around his shoulders and lifted up on her toes to get better access to Sheldon's kiss. This new angle made heat crackle through them and soon lips fused and tongues dueled at a frantic pace.

Sheldon's hands became restless and, of their own volition, slid under her red tank top simply because they wanted a bit more closeness. Penny sighed and Sheldon inhaled her warm breath. Holding her breath in his lungs made his body start pulsing for more. He ground his growing bulge against Penny's soft belly and she moaned into his mouth in response. She ground against him in response and a low growl rumbled in his throat.

Penny wrapped a leg around Sheldon's thigh making him fall back on her couch. Her leg was pinned beneath him and he rolled them both to the floor. Sheldon pushed her coffee table to the side to get more elbow room.

Sheldon hastily pushed up the stretchy tank so it bunched under her pits in order to expose her breasts. He closed his mouth around one pink nipple while the knuckles of one hand gently scraped along the other.

Penny's hands were suddenly everywhere and she started to wriggle oddly beneath him. But Sheldon was too preoccupied with feasting on her flesh to care.

Penny popped open his trousers and freed his erection. She wasted no time and started tugging on turgid flesh. Penny swirled her thumb over his head making him gasp in pleasure. He released a nipple to look down and watch the way her hand moved on him.

Her body clenched from the sounds of Sheldon's gasps and whimpers. The ache was becoming too much and she wouldn't wait any longer. She whispered 'Sheldon, now.' He looked up and somehow knew what Penny meant.

He maneuvered over her to center his hips between her thighs. He felt her push down his pants closer to his knees and then her hands fumbled between them before she guided his tip to her entrance.

Her humid heat shut off his higher thinking and that animal instinct we are all born with (Homo Novus or not) took over when he filled her in one thrust.

Penny breathed in sharply. He stretched her walls enough that it burned making her wish that she took the time to make sure she was really ready.

He moved slowly to give her a little time to get used to his size. His lust-fogged brain cataloged the feel of her smooth thighs sliding against is flanks. He belatedly realized that she removed her black sweats while he was playing with her breasts. He stretched his lanky form over her and planting his elbows on either side of her for balance. He dipped his head and kissed her in earnest.

Penny tugged insistently at his shirts until she could yank them over his head. Her arms went around his torso resting her palms over his bare shoulder blades as he rocked into her. She tipped her face so that she could kiss him again.

Penny acknowledged that Sheldon must be some kind of genius if he can thrust and kiss her thoroughly at the same time. Sheldon was still moving slowly but his strokes were starting to bottom out…decisively. Penny needed more.

She drew her knees up to take Sheldon in deeper.

Sheldon's decisive thrusts were now a coming little faster making his head tap against her cervix. As good as they felt, his movements were frustrating. Penny needed more.

Penny sensuously slid her foot down his calf hooking her foot around his ankle. In one swift motion, she bucked and flipped Sheldon on his back. Gravity sucked her down over him until her he was sheathed to the hilt almost painfully.

Sheldon noticed that Penny was wearing a dark blue thong secured by thin purple ribbons on either side of her hips

"I thought I took all of your underwear." He remarked. Penny smirked at him and undid the ties of her underwear. She purposely clenched around him making him groan.

"Dr. Cooper, by now you should know that I'm just full of surprises." She wiggled her hips over his making a show of removing the offending scrap of material form between their bodies. Sheldon used the opportunity to toe off his shoes but was at a loss on how to remove his pants and underwear without leaving her body. Penny's smirk deepened as she moved forward to kiss Sheldon hungrily. A part of her registered the feel of his chest hair tickling her breasts. She balanced her weight on his torso in order to use her feet to drag Sheldon's pants down his legs as far as she could get them. They were now low enough for him to kick out of them completely.

Penny pulled her tank over her head with a wicked gleam in her eyes that made Sheldon shudder in pleasure and just a little fear.

Her hair fell around her shoulders in a mess of yellow and from Sheldon's angle, she was back lit by the lamps on the ceiling fan. If it weren't for the devious look on her face, Sheldon thought that she would look more angelic.

Penny's hands moved to cup the bottom of her breasts as if to offer them to Sheldon. His long fingers moved up to rub and pluck at her pink points. He enjoyed the way she would clench around him when he touched her a in a way she liked.

Penny rose up on her knees and allowed herself to slide back down slowly over him. She did this a few more times before Sheldon sat up to take her left breast into his mouth. He wrapped an arm around her to anchor her hips to his belly keeping her thrusts shallow. He took advantage of her limited movement to be able to lick and nip at each breast in turn.

Penny was overwhelmed with how good he was making her feel. But she needed more.

She pushed Sheldon back and planted her hands on his shoulders for leverage. She started moving over him at a quick pace and her mind narrowed to a world of sensation.

The rhythmic sound of his breathing.

The feel of his skin under her hands.

His heartbeat in her body.

The tickle of his body hair on her skin.

The way he rolled her nipples between his fingers.

She could feel intense pleasure start to build low in her belly. Penny leaned back and changed the angle to prolong the inevitable.

Sheldon shut his eyes and recited the Periodic Table of Elements by atomic number... backwards. He got an eighth of the way through before he regained some of his control. When he opened his eyes again…well, the sight was breath-taking.

Her head was thrown back and she was softly whispering his name between moans.

Her golden skin was flushed.

The light reflecting off of the slight sweat on her skin made her look like she was glowing.

Her pert breasts were jiggling.

Her body was undulating as she took her pleasure.

She was slick, hot and, in that moment, completely his.

Sheldon tipped her hips slightly toward him and pressed the soles of his feet firmly on the floor. He gripped her waist to gently lift her and thrust up hard when he pulled her down.

A deep moan flew out of her and Sheldon decided that he wanted to keep hearing it. So he did it again… and again.

Soon he was rotating his hips and grinding up into her but it wasn't enough. He wanted more—deeper.

Sheldon reached up and pulled her down for a searing kiss. He held her close to his chest as he now battered into her cervix. A small part of him worried that he was hurting her, but he figured that if he really was, she wouldn't be pushing back on him with equal vigor. Sheldon stopped thinking when Penny propped herself up with one hand and slid the other between their bodies to touch herself. Penny's body started tightening around him and his instincts told him it wouldn't be long for her. Sheldon stroked harder trying to gain his own release. Blood was rushing in his ears and he felt himself swell painfully close to his goal.

His lips found the rapid pulse at her neck and sucked greedily. A moment later, he felt the moment her body started to hover on the precipice. He felt his testicles lift as he too was about to explode, but not before Penny. His hand smoothed over her right, sweat-slicked buttock and gave it a sharp slap.

That was all she needed.

The reverberations of the slap shocked her core and she clamped down viciously on Sheldon. Sheldon kept thrusting harshly in and out of her and a several seconds later his vision blurred as he erupted violently up into her grunting with every spurt.

Penny slumped on Sheldon's chest too loose-limbed to do much else but try to catch her breath.

They stayed that way for minutes on end.

When Sheldon was finally able to regain the use of his arms, he stroked the smooth skin of Penny's back. It was all he could think of to do for her as the aftershocks continued to make her twitch and shiver.

* * *

><p>Once Penny was sure that jelly legs wouldn't be much of an issue she reluctantly removed herself from Sheldon's person. He propped himself up on his elbows and observed her as stood there getting the feeling back in her legs.<p>

She was lovely.

Her previously straightened hair was damp with perspiration and starting to curl. Her green eyes were bright and her lips were swollen from their kisses. He would have been content to sit there and look up at her for hours if it weren't for the bodily fluids that were starting to make his skin feel chalky.

"Penny, may I use your shower? I'm… sticky." He said making a slightly disgusted face.

"Sure. Will you… um, stay tonight?" Normally, Sheldon was terrible at reading other people but he guessed that Penny was feeling a little vulnerable. Not completely unlike himself.

"Do you want me to?" He asked just in case he was sensing wrong.

"Yeah," she replied almost shyly.

"Then I'll stay."

"Great! I'll lock up and you get that shower started."

Sheldon got up to kissed her forehead softly before making his way to her bathroom.

When Penny entered her bathroom it was already steamy and it smelled of her fruity body wash. Sheldon was humming a tune that was vaguely familiar to her.

"Sheldon, I'm coming in."

"Really, Penny. Can't you wait your turn?"

"Really, Sheldon. Haven't you ever heard that an extra pair of hands are more efficient than two?"

"Point," he conceded. She took the wash cloth from him and started to clean his back. Shen she was done he took it from her and started to wash her front. When he was finished he dropped a kiss on her mouth and moved behind her to clean her back. He concentrated on moving the cloth in soothing circles. He looked down and saw the Chinese character for soup on her right buttock and his pink hand print just below it. He knelt down to get a closer look.

"What's wrong?"

"I left a handprint just under you soup tattoo."

"Soup? That's the Chinese character for courage." Penny twisted around to get a look at her bottom and, sure enough, there was a faint pink mark in the shape of Sheldon's hand.

"I'm sorry, Penny," he said while his fingers grazed the surface of the tattoo. Penny saw that he focused on her tattoo as if that square inch of skin held the keys to the universe. It was then that she got the feeling that he was apologizing for more than just leaving his handprint on her behind.

"Sheldon," she waited until he looked up at her before continuing. "It's okay." She hoped he understood what she was trying to say. He gave her a little smile, so she supposed he did.

His little smile, however, briefly morphed into a little smirk just before he kissed her 'soup'. Then he moved lower to kiss and lick every square inch of his hand print. Sheldon moved over to the other buttock to give it the same treatment.

Penny's sighs turned into a gasp when, Sheldon's fingers gently insinuated themselves between her folds. It occurred to Sheldon that he should offer her… an act of contrition.

"Penny, might I ask you to indulge me in something?"

"Um, sure."

"Turn around and prop your foot up on the edge of the tub." Penny turned to face him letting the spray deal with the lather on her back as she propped her left foot on the edge of the tub. Sheldon gripped her other leg and leaned forward. His tongue curled around her nub as the fingers of his other hand curled inside of her.

He lashed and nibbled and stroked Penny into another climax within a few minutes.

Sheldon stood and let her lean against him while she gained her bearings. Once she recovered, they finished cleaning up and headed to her bed.

* * *

><p>They laid there in contented, contemplative silence.<p>

After a while, Sheldon started humming. It was the same tune that he was humming in the shower earlier.

"What are you humming? That tune sounds familiar but I don't know the name."

"It's called 'Nessun Dorma'."

"Wait, isn't that a victory song?" She narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion. "You don't actually think you've won the argument, do you?"

"Not exactly. I think that in the interests of keeping the peace we should call a truce and end our prank war. Furthermore, I believe that we should also continue our carnal activities in order to preserve and maintain the continued harmony and mental stability of our social group."

It took her a moment, but Penny understood what Sheldon was asking. It may have been the big words but Penny was incredibly turned on by his request.

She opened the drawer of her night stand and took out a small bottle of baby oil. She tossed the comforter on the floor exposing their bare bodies to the slight chill of the room.

"Are those the doctor's orders?" She popped open the cap and poured a generous amount in her palm.

"Yes," he confirmed with a bewildered look on his face as he watched her rub oil all over her bare breasts.

"Good." The intense look on Sheldon's face amused her. As she sat between his legs, she idly wondered if he was a breast man.

"Sheldon, has a woman ever got you off by only using her boobs?" she reached forward to slather a growing erection with oil. He shook his head.

"No."

Penny couldn't say that she was particularly surprised with his lack of experience but she knew they would be able to work through it. She also believed that with luck they could work though, well, everything.

_Hope is good_, she thought.

"Sheldon, I'm glad your ken _finally_ kissed my Barbie."

_**Finis**_


End file.
